Last year was a mofo of a year. I mean-the lowest I could possibly have. I struggled with emotions I didn't know I had, with depression, with dark corners of my mind and heart that fought me almost every day.
I lost a few friends and now looking back I realize they weren't really friends after all. People say they are depressed, but to be truly, deeply, trapped in the dark abyss that is depression is another thing. And now I'm wondering why I didn't lose any frickin weight? Aren't depressed people supposed to be gaunt and thin and pale? Well, I got jipped.
It's a hard thing to admit to yourself that you are in fact struggling. It's another to have it told to you by a professional. And then it takes a whole new set of balls to sit down with your husband and tell him you are lost. Thank god for Roy's.
My friends, I am not telling you this so you feel sorry for me. I do not want your pity. I never got so low as to think those evil thoughts. I was just low. Really low. And nothing could fix it. I haven't been myself for many years and I didn't want a bottle of pills telling me who to be and how to be. I'm telling you this because its part if my letting it go. Yesterday was the first blue day I've had in a long while. I felt utterly blue. Down and out, suffocating.
Sometimes all you need is a deep breath, a bottle of Perrier and a bag of gummy colas to pull you through. Sometimes.
I am very thankful for all the many blessings in my life! Holy crap I am thankful every.single.day. I often feel guilty for being sad about-life when there are others who have it way worse than me. I have come to the realization that its ok for me to feel guilty and it's ok for me to be sad sometimes. Just because.
A year ago I made a decision to spend more time with my family and its ironic that my darkest year was also a year that I got to spend really engrossed in the life of my daughter. Her happiness is number 1. She comes first above all else and if I had to work 6 jobs to keep her blissful, I would. (Too bad there aren't any damn jobs!)
Despite the lovely gaggle of friends we have here and the roots phoebe has wove into her world, I struggle daily with life in NM. I want to take my family somewhere green and cold and wet, and if one more person tells me Seattle is not the place for depressed people-I will slap them hard across the mouth. The PAC northwest was my home for many years and it brought much joy to my heart! I kiss those gloomy days and green trees.
Since I can't leave ol NM, you may ha e to endure many dreamy posts about me wanting to move to Maine or Rhode Island. Bare with me.
Do I feel better baring my thoughts? Perhaps. I've had to rid my life of many things over the course of the last year. I am desperately trying to absorb as much positivity as I can. Wherever I can. Even if its burning a cinnamon candle in August wishing it was cold October.
If there is one thing that being in the dark taught me it's not being ashamed to admit it. And it's a dear friend who told me this several times but it didn't sink in until way later.
So the next time you say your prayers, send one out to someone you don't know who is fighting a battle you have zero knowledge of. Just because someone looks happy doesn't mean they are and your prayer may be the one thing that saves them.
xo
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