day 4

It has been 4 days since my sweet dippy passed away. What a horribly long weekend it was for us. Random moments of tears shed, staying out of the house because we didn't want to come home to 'it'. It being that emptiness.

Matilda ran around looking for her friday. She seems distraught that she can't find smelly ol dippy. Igor kept sleeping in the laundry room waiting...

How do you tell your sweet animals that she isn't coming back?

No more scratching at the back door or barking to come in. No more pounding on the laundry room door. No more doggie messes.

She did leave Nick one last present friday morning, the poor girl. She didn't even let us know she had to go out.

Needless to say it's quiet here. Even with 2 dogs and a cat still wandering around. Everyone is somber, except Elvis. He's kind of dumb that way. He didn't really know Dippy.

On friday morning we put her in the truck and she seemed happy to go on a ride. She snoozed like she always did and we got to the vet and I had to sign that paper, the one making it ok for them to do what they did. I broke down then at the front desk and the poor receptionist just waited for me. I think it was a good 3 minutes before I could sign it. The vet tech came out and told me that since Dippy was so big and it was hard for her to get around that they would come out to the truck. This was somewhat comforting for Nick and I and we pulled around back so there would be some privacy. It was cold and windy. All 3 of us put dippy in the back and they laid out some comfy blankets for her. She seemed interested and curious in being in the back of the truck. The last time that happened she was 9 months old and coming home, now she was 11 and going home to be with her best friend in the sky.

Nick laid on top of her and sobbed. I cradled her head and talked to her, I kept trying to tell her all the things I didn't and all the things I wanted to tell her before she wasn't here anymore. My sweet, big girl. She just laid there sniffing my head. I kissed her ear and I didn't let go of it. Dr. Cole gave her an anesthetic to kind of let her doze off so she wouldn't be alert. When she came out she told Nick and I that her blood pressure was really low and that if it wasn't her time, she would not go through with this. That was the teeniest bit reassuring for me. Knowing that it was in fact, her time.

She dozed off and we held her, Dr. Cole was crying too. It was really fast, like under a minute and all the while Nick lay on top of her keeping her warm and rubbing her and I held onto that soft, velvety ear.

She passed away with both of us holding her, both of us loving her. Our sweet, smelly, big girl. Oh how I wish she could live another 11 years.

They made a paw print for us and I just didn't want to let go of that ear. I wanted to keep it forever. Nick and Dr. Cole wrapped her up. I don't know where Nick found the strength.

It feels odd. That she isn't here anymore snorting around the kitchen, barking to be let in. Stealing Matilda's food. Sleeping on her blanket.

Our sweet, sweet friend Mitzi took care of her cremation for us. I can never thank her enough for that. She offered for her to be laid to rest in the cemetary at her house surrounded by Mitzi's pigs and dogs of past. I don't know what we will do with her when she comes home. I know that once we have her back, it will fill a tiny gap in the massive empty hole in my heart.

I know there are people who think dogs have no souls. How can you believe that? How can you look in your dogs eyes and tell me there is no soul?! I think you are crazy. I think dogs have more of a soul than we do. I believe in my heart that my sweet girl is running free and snoozing in the sun with her pal at Rainbow Bridge. I believe there is a place in Heaven for our beloved dogs.

“The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.”
Mark Twain