The birth of Lemmiwinks

I have a ghost in my bathroom.

AND a stone in my kidney which I think may be passed earlier..thank you jesus.

This would be the second time in my life I have had kidney stones (that I know of) and let me tell you what peeps--IT IS A-G-O-N-I-Z-I-N-G. Worse than child birth and worse than death!

Bad, bad words come out of your mouth, you sweat, you crawl, you scream, you hit your head on the wall hoping to knock yourself out because the pain killers they give you are crap.

Nothing works. You drink gallons of water and pee in a strainer, and when you do pee, you think cause you drank gallons of water that it will be a gushing waterfall of pee and it's not. It's a teeny half drop of pee and you cry some more and you can't walk straight and it feels like someone has a knife that is covered in lemon juice and they are sticking it in and out of your back--only it doesn't it feels like the worst pain ever that you can't even describe because it's that bad. Then you pee some more and you pray and then in one instant---it's gone. That microscopic demon is out of you and you see it in the strainer and you cry for joy and you jump up and down and scream hallelujah's and see rainbows and hearts again and then you head to the fridge and drink a coke.

The first stone I had I thought I was dying. Really I did. Ask my friend Shauna.
When the dr. told me it was too small to hit with a laser I thought 'holy shit..this is death'. Then I went home and I literally smashed the percocet with a hammer and licked it as powder so it would enter my bloodstream faster and it didn't work. NOTHING WORKS.

Then one agonizing morning later I peed into the strainer and I heard it. I heard a teeny clunk..and I saw it! It was the most glorious thing I had ever seen and it was OUT OF ME!

I named it Lemmiwinks after a certain most awesome South Park episode and I dedicated it's birth to one of me best pals, Jerry. I kept that damn thing because it took a week to birth and I deserved to keep it.

It wasn't cute and pink and smelly good. It was the size of a q-tip head and it was gray and brown and covered with SPIKES! NO JOKE. Sort of like a goathead that you step on. Only about a million times more painful.

So anyway-I have a ghost in my bathroom. I am trying to figure out if it's a friendly one and why in the hell my cat didn't tell me earlier about this I have no idea. Animals see ghosts! Why didn't he mention this to me? Is it because of the frankenstein hat?

Last night we had Slim over for dinner and pie and then a beer by the fire and I went to bed dreaming of Johnny Depp and outside fires and red wine and I awoke around 1am to see what I thought was Nick's cell phone going off in the bathroom. A shiny white light blinking and then it was blue and I rolled over and went back to bed. I woke up again a little while later and realized Nick was still up and in the living room with Slim (they are night owls) and I see the blue light again only it's smaller and it's sort of dimming and then bright again. Igor was staring at it from next to me on the bed and I really thought it was Nick's cellphone. I got up to birth the stone and realized his cell phone was not on the charger in the bathroom...

Much to my dismay, the stone didn't come and I slithered back to bed in agony and drank some more water and went to bed. I kept waking up and seeing this light until Nick finally came to bed. My cat is very much interested in it and I cannot figure out what it is. It's not a carlight and I am thinking this is a case for TAPS!

Do you think Jason and Grant could exorcise a bathroom ghost?

More importantly--has everyone noticed that Dreyers brought back the Peppermint Ice Cream again this year?!